


Clarity

by MiaBailey



Category: Monsta X (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-26 00:16:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6215941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiaBailey/pseuds/MiaBailey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story in which the concept of soulmates is explored. Her high school boyfriend breaks up with her, shattering her heart and dreams of the future. Somehow, she finds a way to fight through and pick up the pieces, only to have her foundations shaken again, at the worst possible time. She has a choice now, the love she knows and trusts, or the missing piece of her soul- can she live without him?</p>
<p>Word count ~ 15,000 (Complete)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clarity

Chapter 1 ~ the breakup

The beach was silent except for the crashing waves. The ocean breeze was salty, stinging my nose and eyes as it carried wisps of hair across my face. The air wasn’t warm, but also not yet undercut by the winter’s bite. Yet, it caused goosebumps to rise on my bare arms and legs, like someone brushing their fingers lightly over my flesh.

We sat there in the sand, both of us hugging our knees to our chests, staring into the horizon. The sun was setting, a bright white sky changing to shades of rose and violet. The sun-warmed sand smelled of summer and fun, but the mood between us soured my memories. Such a beautiful picture for such a sad moment. 

I didn’t want to be the one to break the silence. Maybe if we sat here like this for long enough, his words would fade, disappear, as if they had never been said. Maybe the love of my life wouldn’t break up with me. 

“If things were different,” he was the one to speak first. The sun was almost gone and the breeze now foretold of the chilly fall night to come. The sunset still was royal, golds and purples, but over head was navy, dotted here and there with winking stars. He sighed before starting again. “If things were different, we wouldn’t have to do this.”

I felt betrayed by his words today. Every syllable he spoke was a stab to my heart. “You mean, you don’t love me enough to make a difference.” The words spilled out harsher than I intended, but I didn’t apologize. 

I could see him turn his head toward me from my peripheral vision. My eyes stayed fixed on the horizon, refusing to look at him. I hugged my knees tighter to my chest; they were the only thing that felt like they were protecting me right now. 

“You know that’s not true,” he said. His voice was so soft, the wind threatened to throw the words away, but I heard them. I wasn’t sure I believed them. If he loved me, he wouldn’t be hurting me like this. I wouldn’t feel like I was about to crumble into a million pieces. 

My lips turned down into a frown. This was our spot. Every good thing had happened right here, this place on the beach. It was where he came when he got tired of his mom’s nagging. It was my refuge when I had to leave because my father had been drinking. It was where we had first met, had our first date, our first kiss. I supposed it was poetic that it was where we were ending.

I sniffed, hooking a finger around the hair crossing my face and tucking it behind my ear. “Fine,” I finally replied. “Just leave then.” It felt like someone else was saying the words. I was disconnected from all of it, watching it like a scene playing out in a movie.

The two of us had cultivated dreams together. For the past two years we talked about how we wanted to be in the music industry. I wanted to write and produce music; he wanted to be a performer. We made plans of going to a performing arts university. Together. Everything had been planned together.

Then he went on an audition. He hadn’t told me because he had been positive he wasn’t going to make it. The phone call last week, however, was a surprise. He had been accepted and they wanted him as a trainee. Immediately. One of their conditions was “No Girls.” If he was going to be a trainee, he couldn’t have a girlfriend, as few ties to home as possible.

Tonight, the night before he left, was the night he decided to tell me this. All of it. We had had a nice dinner, my favorite dessert, and then a visit to our spot, a place of good memories forever tarnished by this moment. I wasn’t sure if he thought it would soften the blow or make it hurt less, but he had calculated wrong. It was making me feel worse.

He didn’t move at my words. I finally dragged my eyes from the ocean to his face. The sun was gone completely now, but there was a full moon on a cloudless night. Ghostly moonlight was shining perfectly on his face, making him look like the angel I always thought of him as. He was beautiful in every sense of the word, but it was his kind heart and generous soul I had fallen in love with. I exhaled, wondering where those traits were hiding right now. 

His eyes glistened from more than just moonlight. He was a sensitive soul by nature, thought he would deny that he ever cried. His tears made me feel a smidge better, like maybe his heart was feeling a fraction of the ache mine was.

I can’t describe what it's like to meet your soulmate at a young age. When we met, when I moved to his town and we were neighbors, it was like finding out my life was incomplete before. His presence completed my existence. I don’t know how I was a person before I met him. Now, I wasn’t sure how I was going to exist without him. 

“If you’re going to go,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “Then go.” The salty breeze picked up again, stinging my already damp eyes. A tear left a trail down my cheek, tickling me with its warmth. 

His eyes finally met mine, for the first time since we sat on the beach. He opened his mouth to say something. I didn’t know what it was he was going to say but I couldn’t hear his voice again or I would break down into a puddle of blubbering goo.

“Go!” I shouted before he could speak. He was the one ending this, breaking my heart. If he really wanted to leave me, he was going to have to physically go first.

He pulled his lips in, licked them, then bit his bottom lip. He was studying my face; he knew me better than anyone, even my own family. I steeled my face best I could against his scrutiny. 

“Okay,” he exhaled before taking a deep breath and standing up. Instead of watching him leave, I looked back out over the now black ocean. I couldn’t see where it ended and the sky began. I shuddered involuntarily as I realized the wind was now showing it’s true fall colors, cold and bitter. “I hope you understand,” he added, taking a step away. “I hope you can forgive me.” 

He was gone. His footsteps faded and the only sound I heard once again was the crashing of the ocean waves beating the beach to a pulp; a reflection of his words to my heart.

“No Shin Hoseok,” I whispered to myself, resting my forehead on my knees as my flood of tears was unleashed. “I’ll never forgive you.”

Chapter 2 ~ my protector 

I followed my dream. With a giant hole in my heart, I went to school for music production and graduated with top honors. I refused to keep tabs on Hoseok over the years; I had no idea if he was successful, or whether or not he debuted. Thinking about him still hurt my heart four years later; seeing him might crush my soul.

Despite my credentials from university, breaking into the music production scene, especially as a girl, was not easy. After months of rejection, I finally branched out and applied for jobs with my other talent. I needed out of my house, away from my alcoholic father, and a foot in the door of the music industry. I finally got hired as a makeup artist at Big Hit Entertainment. 

I had never been one to wear much makeup myself, but my older sister had taught me some tricks. I was a natural talent at it, if you call applying makeup a talent, and she insisted I do her makeup whenever she got ready to go out. At university, girls from the dorm found out about my “talent” and I ended up making a little money doing girl’s makeup for dates and events. It was mentioned to me more than once that I should be a makeup artist.

It wasn’t how I wanted to get into the music industry, but it was a step in the right direction. Fate had something to do with it, because Big Hit had just lost a makeup artist on the day I emailed my resume. It only took one interview, in which they were obviously desperate, and I was hired on the spot. I literally started work the day I walked in the building.

What can I say about the kpop world? It’s faced paced and sleep is a rare thing. It’s quiet then loud, clean then sweaty, and you have to always be flexible and ready to change plans on a dime. I didn’t expect these things as a simple makeup artist, but I was right there in the trenches with my boys. Makeup had to be put on first thing, touched up periodically, and sometimes completely changed between schedules. I ended up just as tired and sleep deprived as Bangtan themselves. 

It was about four months in when things started to change. I was one of the youngest staff, smack dab in the middle of BTS’s age range. This meant that I was, at first, avoided by most of the boys whenever possible because they weren’t sure how to talk to me. After a few weeks, however, they were used to me being around and seemed to appreciate my calm presence and quirky sense of humor. I was very protective over all of them, all of them except one. There was one that seemed to be protective of me. At airports, schedules, events, he always was right by my side, making sure I didn’t get lost in the shuffle.

On my 100 day anniversary of being hired, I was invited to lunch by my protector. This wasn’t unusual, as I had been to lunch and dinner several times with group members and staff alike. Yet, this time I felt different. I wasn’t sure why, but the butterflies in my stomach were telling me to anticipate something. I sat at the restaurant, my stomach growling from the myriad of smells from the grills, but feeling like I was going to throw up any second.

My protector slid into the seat across from me. He had a face mask on, but I would recognize those eyes blindfolded. I applied makeup to them almost daily. Jin’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he grinned at me, greeting me by name.

I felt my face involuntarily flush as I grinned back. My hands felt sweaty, my feet went numb. I was sure he could see my heart beating through my sweater. 

“Is anyone else coming?” I asked, looking around but not recognizing any faces. I had never been on a one-on-one date with any of the members; usually Tae or Kookie tagged along for free food. 

Jin shook his head. “Just us today,” he replied.

My heart did a backflip in my chest. What was wrong with me? His grin made me feel like I was melting inside, his words had me ready to jump out of my skin. Only one other person had ever elicited those feelings...and I refused to acknowledge him. 

“We should order then.” I somehow managed to smile at him and sound normal; hopefully I looked natural. 

The meal in and of itself was uneventful, routine. He took his mask off to eat for which I was glad. His smile was my sunshine on a cloudy day. I found myself lost in his soulful brown eyes a few times. I could watch him eat all day long. I recognized this feeling; this was a crush, the beginning of love. A dangerous path with an idol. 

I fought the feeling as he walked me back to my apartment. I attempted to act like it didn’t send a jolt of electricity up my arm when the back of his fingers brushed mine. I tried not to sink into his body when he grabbed me around the waist to pull me close and out of the way of a racing bicycle. I really did try.

I was not successful. 

When we finally reached my apartment steps, my insides were a convoluted mess of contradictory goo. I had promised myself I would never love an idol after Hoseok broke my heart. I would be jeopardizing my job if I attempted to date the talent. My heart ached to love and take care of him. Every muscle in my body remembered what it was like to be held, loved, and was intensely missing the feeling. 

I faced him, unsure of what was going to happen, giddy to see how it was going to play out. His mask was off and he was staring down at me, hands in his jacket pockets, twisting his perfect lips into all sorts of positions.

“Thanks for lunch,” I said, trying to sound breezy and carefree.

“There’s more,” he said with a smile that gave away his nervousness. “I have to say something.”

I blinked once, slow and owlish, inhaling sharply as though I was surprised. Lunch danced in my stomach, threatening to show itself again. I felt like I might be in a dream, that this wasn’t really happening. Maybe my imagination was just too good.

He said my name, recalling my attention back toward him. Everything snapped into sharp focus, clear and high definition. “I’ve been thinking about this a while and I didn’t want to burden you with it. But the feelings aren’t going away, and I have to be truthful.” He licked his lips. Despite his confident tone, he was clearly nervous. Instinctively I grabbed his hand; both our hands were clammy and gross but he squeezed mine tight instead of dropping it. “I like you.” 

There it was. His confession. It hung in the air over us, like a typed caption you could almost see. He was staring at me, at my mouth, waiting to see my reply on my lips. I still hadn’t planned out a response, despite knowing where this was inevitably going. 

I wanted to guard my heart. For over four years I had put a wall up around me, refusing to see boys as more than friends, expecting them to hurt me given a chance. Pieces of my soul still felt crushed from Hoseok; I could hear them protest Jin’s words from the bottom of my heart.

But was I going to let that breakup dictate my life? Were my ex-boyfriend’s actions going to sully every possible chance I might have with another man? Could I find another, a different, soulmate?

I didn’t think about it. I just let the words roll off my tongue, unsure of what they’d be until they came out. “I like you, too.” 

Well, that was simple. His smile shined, bathing me in the light of his pure heart. It was a big step for both of us, in different ways. Instead of happy or sad or any emotion, I felt numb from head to toe. I wasn’t sure how to react to my own words.

Lucky for me, Jin couldn’t tell. His response was to pull me into a hug, planting his lips on top of my head and kissing my hair multiple times. I let my arms slide around his waist, returning the hug, enjoying the warmth, the closeness of him. I felt my numb body relax into his and I realized right then that I needed him. He would take care of me, my protector, and I really needed someone to do that. I didn’t know how much I had longed for it until it was presented to me.

I knew then that we would be good at taking care of each other. “I like you,” I whispered again, into his sweater. Even though I was sure he couldn’t hear me, he squeezed me tighter. I never wanted him to let me go.

Chapter 3 ~ step forward

Dating a kpop star was not an easy task. We had to keep it low key, basically a secret, from everyone. Our day-to-day schedules didn’t change, but now I had emotions to deal with along with work. Putting makeup on my boyfriend’s face when all I could think about was making out with his lips was stressful. Picturing those lips kissing my neck like they did when we were alone, well, that ended up being down right torture.

Jin loved it. He loved to tease me with quick winks and kissy faces behind everyone’s back. He admitted that it was endearing when I got all flustered when he was being cute. Then there were those rare moments he could steal a kiss from me. Our lips meeting was always an adrenaline rush for me, but the thrill of possibly being caught added chills. As much as I would love to share the relationship with friends, I was aware of the consequences. Our actions would have negative repercussions. We had to be quiet, careful. 

I lived for the hours he escaped from the dorm. They were few and far between, more precious than any gemstone. It was my goal to slow down time when he came over, to make every second count. I hung on his words, joked about my day to see him laugh, or watched him happily cook the two of us a meal. We got good at making the minutes count.

On one of our rare nights, he was lying on the couch, his head in my lap. I was absently playing with his hair as soft music played from his iPod. His eyes were closed and I was almost positive he was asleep. It was past midnight and we had just finished eating the leftovers, so I was tired myself. Just as my eyes began to close, he spoke. 

“Our comeback is soon,” he said.

Curious at his choice in conversation topic, I looked down at him. “Yes,” I confirmed that I heard him and already knew that information.

“We’ve been working on this album a lot. It’s different than before. We think, I think, it has potential to be big.” 

BTS wasn’t a hugely popular group. they had had small successes and a loyal fan base, but they weren’t considered a big group in Korea. He was telling me that he thought this comeback, this album, was going to change that. 

“That’s good, right?” I asked. “You guys deserve to have your talent and hard work appreciated.” 

He sat up, twisting around to look at me. “It’s good, but it worries me.” 

I felt my lips tip downward into a frown. Jin was typically an optimist, not a worrier. “About?” I prompted.

He took a deep breath, sitting back on the couch next to me, looking down at his hands in his lap. “About us. It’s hard to keep a secret now. The more popular we get, the harder I think it will be.” 

A cold, familiar feeling washed over me. It was happening again. I had opened my heart up to another guy and he was going to crush me with it. I felt like kicking myself for being naive, hitting him for putting me in the situation, and crying for the remnants of my heart that were about to be decimated.

When he didn’t get a response from me, he turned to look at my face. I felt drained, hollow, and it must have showed because he immediately took my hand in his. As an empty shell, I offered no resistance. 

“I don’t mean breaking up,” he said, his words tumbling out over one another. “I mean let's not keep it a secret.” 

It took some time for his words to sink in. He didn’t want to break my heart. He wanted to take a step, a scary step, forward. I looked down at his long fingers laced with mine. He pulled the back of my hand to his lips. 

“What do you think?” he asked, his breath warm on my skin.

“I think I’ll get fired,” I said, still not one hundred percent processing what was happening. 

Jin smiled, a sight that made my heart flutter and some of my worry melt away. “You would have already been fired. We aren’t very good at keeping this a secret already.” 

My eyes widened in surprise. “People know?”

“Most of them do,” he shrugged. “I can only use so many excuses to sneak out at night for so long. And Namjoon says I give it away every time I look at you, so…” he trailed off, twisting his lips into a smirk.

I bit my bottom lip, thinking about his words. Sneaking around was thrilling, but stressful. Public idol relationships usually ended in disaster, but Jin and I were stronger than that. Right? That’s what he was trying to say; at least I thought that was what he was trying to say.

“I don’t mean public, because that would create a scandal BTS can’t deal with right now,” he added quickly. “But I think we should be open with the company. It will make things less stressful for you.”

Less stressful for me. Here he was, talking about something that might jeopardize his career, and he was concerned about my stress level. Always my protector, always the sweetest.

I crawled into his lap, resting my head on his shoulder. I loved how I fit perfectly there; it was comfortable for both of us without being awkward. He wrapped his arms around me, setting his chin against my forehead. I needed that from him right now, the feeling of being safe and secure...and loved. My world had teetered earlier, threatened to crash around me. I was still catching my breath.

I inhaled deeply, taking in his scent. He didn’t use cologne often; most days he smelled of his soap and laundry detergent, clean and refreshing. That day, the familiar scent did more to calm my nerves than any words. Heat radiated from him, making me feel like I might overheat, but I didn’t care. A hurricane couldn’t pull me away from him right now. 

“I’ll follow your lead,” I said. “Whatever you think is best.”

“I want you to be happy,” he said against my forehead, his lips tickling my skin.

I tilted my head up toward him. “You make me happy.” 

Something clenched in my stomach when he smiled at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners in the adorable way they always did. The feeling wasn’t altogether pleasant, reminding me of dread more than excitement.

Those thoughts faded immediately when he met his lips to mine. He was the sweetest, softest kisser, never too rough or too gentle. He made out like he did everything else: perfectly.

Chapter 4 ~ be happy

Reactions to our dating ranged from shock, to congratulations, to Suga’s “I’m so glad I don’t have to pretend I don’t know anymore.” The company was surprisingly unruffled by the whole thing, probably because they already knew, but the higher ups seemed mostly indifferent as long as we were careful not to be caught in public.

After a week or so, I began to appreciate the changes that were subtly happening. Jin got to come over to my apartment more often, though escorted now by Manager Bobby. Manager Bobby was Chinese-American, short, with a permanent blank look on his face. When I first met him, he terrified me, but I soon learned he was one of the most laid back humans on Earth. His number one priority was the safety of his charges, but he refused to be used as a babysitter. 

Therefore, even though our date nights were now chaperoned, they weren’t really. Manager Bobby spent the whole evening on the couch, glued to the TV, ignoring us except to thank us for food. He didn’t pay attention to what we did, he was just there because Big Hit wanted him there. 

This was nice because comeback stages were happening very soon and Jin spent fifteen plus hours a day practicing, which meant some days he didn’t come over until one or two in the morning. With our ‘babysitter’ there, he was allowed to stay the night. That meant all night bed cuddles because Jin was an affectionate, touchy-feely boyfriend. It was indescribably wonderful to wake up and see his face next to mine on those mornings. Morning kisses were pretty fantastic as well. 

Big Hit also hired another makeup artist. At first I worried that they were going to fire me, but then I figured out that wasn’t the case at all. Half my time was spent at my original job, the other half spent learning the ropes of the production room. 

I already knew a lot from school, but nothing beats hands-on experience. Eighty percent of the time, it was Yoongi giving me lessons. He was most animated when talking about music, something I, too, was passionate about making. We bonded through those sessions, finding kindred souls in each other. Not only was I making a good friend, I was getting experience in the field of my dreams, something I could never put a price one. 

Two days before the big comeback stage, the boys had a day off. Jin used the opportunity to take me on a date. We went to dinner first, at my favorite restaurant, where he proceeded to stuff his own face, but not before he fed me the first bite of everything. He was particularly funny that night, and we both found ourselves in tears from laughing so hard. We couldn’t hold hands or kiss, but I could see from his expression he wanted to. 

With full bellies, we walked along the streets toward a nearby park. His hand brushed mine so many times I lost count, but I didn’t move away. 

“Ah!” he said, dodging sideways toward me to avoid oncoming foot traffic. “I wish I could just hold your hand.”

“Rules,” I reminded him, a wistful tone in my voice. “I’ll let you hold my hand at home, okay?”

His grin was mischievous. “Just hand holding?”

I returned his look with one of innocence. “What else would we possibly do?”

He looked as though he was going to suggest things when a girl’s voice interrupted. “Oh my God, you’re Jin from Bangtan!”

“Shh!” Jin and I’s first response was to quiet her down. She was at Jin’s elbow with her friend and they were standing there, staring at him with awe on their face. 

“Sorry!” she whispered. “I was so startled to recognize you,”

“I’m flattered to be recognized,” Jin replied, smiling. “We just don’t want a bunch of people who aren’t really fans to come stampeding because they think I’m famous or something.” 

“You are famous,” the friend whispered. 

“Not really,” Jin disagreed pleasantly, matching her tone. “But do you want an autograph from a ‘not famous’ person?”

The girls nodded excited and began digging in their purses. Always prepared, Jin had a Sharpie ready. Asking their names and chatting while he signed their objects, I could see why he was bound to succeed in whatever he did. It wasn’t his handsome face, though that didn’t hurt. It was his likability and child-like soul that drew people to him. His conversation was playful, his expressions cute, his words genuine. There was nothing fake about Kim Seokjin.

The girls did ask if I was his girlfriend, which he denied, saying I was staff and changing the subject quickly. The girls left with their treasures and without raising suspicion from anyone around. Jin smiled at me, mouthing an apology. I loved his smile, but right now it made my heart feel heavy, like a weight was pulling it toward my feet. The feeling surprised me, being the opposite of what he usually made me feel. 

Then his hand was on the small of my back and he was leading me through the crowd before I could analyze it more. We made it to the park without any more incidents; he didn’t hold my hand but pulled me along by the bottom of my long shirt. He stopped at a bench off to the side, away from most of the people. We sat down, and I could immediately sense a change in his demeanor. 

I poked him gently in the ribs. “Why so nervous?” I asked.

Even though it was summer, Jin was wearing a blue, lightweight jacket. I watched him put a hand in his pocket and pull something out. A warm breeze decided that it would be a good moment to blow my hair in my face. Jin tucked the stray wisps behind my ear for me with his free hand. 

“I got you something,” he said before correcting himself. “Us something. It’s not a big deal, really…” he trailed off, looking down at his closed hand. Beyond the fact he was holding a box, I couldn’t tell what it was.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” I insisted, holding out my hands, palms up. Despite months of dating, we hadn’t gotten each other any presents. I couldn’t deny that I liked the idea of him caring enough about me to buy me something. 

He smiled at me. “In two days it's about to be crazy. You haven’t been through comeback stages before. It’s a month of almost non-stop schedules. We won’t see each other much except for work.” He took a deep breath, offering out the box on two hands. “Even though we’ll be around each other, I don’t want you to forget how much I care about you, and that I’m always thinking about you.” 

He flipped the box open to reveal a set of two silver rings, one obviously for him and one for me. Breath escaped me as my heart dipped to my toes. I was speechless, my emotions so mixed I couldn’t form coherent words.

My eyes were glued to the rings so I heard, rather than saw, his disappointment. “Don’t you like them?”

“Jin,” I breathed. “You’re so sweet, I don’t know what to say.” 

“Couple rings,” he explained, taking the smaller ring out of the box. “It’s the least I can do for us.” I offered my hand and he slipped the ring on my finger. He put his own on, then held our hands up side by side. “Oh!” he exclaimed happily. “So pretty,”

“So sweet,” I repeated, leaning over to kiss his cheek before I remembered we were out in public. “Thank you,” I told him sincerely.

“Keep in on no matter what,” he said.

“I’ll think of you and smile,” I promised. “I’ll never take it off.” Even though I meant those words and they made Jin beam at me, I couldn’t help but wonder at their truth. Jin loved me and I was falling hard and fast for him. So why did I have this feeling of impending disaster looming over the horizon. Why couldn’t I just be happy?

Chapter 5 ~ we meet again

Jin was right; the next few days were chaos. The first performance day was a lot of hurry up and wait. There was a rush to get makeup on the boys, then the wait for their performance. Members of other groups milled about and there was much excitement and laughter, as well as nap times. By the time the first day of shows was said and done, I was exhausted. I didn’t get to go home, however. My few hours of sleep was at the Big Hit building, where I was woken up and shuffled into a van to start the next day at an ungodly hour. I was unsure if I was going to make it through all of this, if this was the pace we were going at.

The second day felt a tiny bit less hectic. Jin actually fell asleep while I was doing his makeup and I really wanted to snuggle in his lap and nap with him. Instead, I finished his face and turned to work on a sleeping Jungkook.

“Ah!” One of the girls in charge of wardrobe gasped from across the cubicle. “I left that one shirt in the van.”

Since I was pretty much done and her job was just getting started, I offered to go get it. I made sure my ‘staff’ lanyard was secured around my neck before leaving the area. I was humming ‘I Need U’ to myself while admiring my ring on my finger when I entered the hallway that led to the exit. It was sparsely populated but I managed to barrel into someone trying to get through the doorway I was walking out of. 

“Sorry,” I smiled, looking up.

“No, my fault…” he replied, meeting my eyes before trailing off. His crooked grin disappeared from his face as his eyes almost bulged out of his head. 

“Hoseok,” I breathed without thinking. My mind and body had gone numb, paralyzed. Years of happiness with him, followed by years of pain without him, flooded through me in seconds. Every emotion took its turn wrenching my heart in succession. 

I never followed him to see if he actually made it. I didn’t know if his trainee period ever turned into an actual debut. I avoided most idol groups because I didn’t want to know. I didn’t know what seeing him would do to me. Until now.

It was wrecking me. I was going to faint, or throw up, or both. I couldn’t feel my legs to move them. All I could do was stare at him, six inches away from me, more gorgeous than when he left, and sucking up all my breathable air. 

To be honest, he looked a little green himself. He didn’t speak, he just stared back at me, blinking owlishly. His tongue ran over his lips and my eyes were compelled to watch it, remember it. For the briefest of moments it felt like we had never been apart. 

“Wonho! Come on!” A voice to my right snapped both of us out of our trance. We simultaneously looked to see a blond Korean guy motioning toward Hoseok fervently. 

“Uh, yeah,” Hoseok nodded at him. He looked back down at me, but words didn't form. There was a sadness in his eyes. Was it weird that I could still read him so well after all these years? I think he murmured my name but I wasn’t positive. All I knew was after a moment was was gone and I could breathe again. 

My mind reeled, going through questions and scenarios quicker than I could comprehend. I didn’t think, I just let my feet guide me back to BTS’s space. I sat down on a chair, unphased by the girl swearing at me because I returned without the shirt. All I could do was stare straight ahead, bewildered by what had just transpired. 

Jin was awake now and approached me with concern. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He set a hand on my shoulder and bent down so he was eye level with me. 

I shook my head, though in a way I kind of had. I should have been prepared for this, but seeing Hoseok had been a shock to my system. My heart was still recovering. “Someone just startled me,” I tried to reassure my boyfriend. 

Jin, my new love, in the same space as Hoseok, my soul mate. Hoseok was the one I would never get over, but had to move past to get on with life. Jin was my present, my kind, sweet protector that I cherished dearly. My two worlds were colliding, and imploding, at the same time.

“What groups are performing today?” I asked, suddenly standing and glancing around. If I knew what group he was part of, maybe I could avoid him.

Jin looked confused. “I’m not sure. A few rookie groups and some solo guys, I think. Why?”

For some reason I was starting to feel panicky. Seeing Jin worry over me and not being able to tell him what was wrong was upsetting me. I didn't realize I was crying until Jin’s thumb was brushing a tear from my cheek. 

“You’re scaring me,” he said quietly.

“I’m sorry,” I automatically apologized.

“Can you tell me?”

I shook my head. “Not right now.” I had never mentioned Hoseok to Jin before. I knew I would eventually have to, but explaining the separation of my soulmate and I wasn’t a bomb I wanted to drop in the first few months of dating. Before today, I had been actively ignoring the fact he existed, and that there was a huge hole in my heart that he once filled. Hoseok was not something I wanted to discuss with anyone. Ever.

“Is there a monitor or something that I can watch performances on?” I asked Jin, trying to sound normal. He led me out of the cubicle and I had a moment of terror that Hoseok was going to be right there. 

He wasn’t; the space was full of other people, all unfamiliar faces. There was a TV screen on a stand, showing the stage. A girl group was rehearsing at the moment. Jin stood next to me, silently. I knew he was looking at me, not the screen. Unsure of what to say, I pretended not to notice.

We were joined by Tae and Yoongi. “What are we watching?” Tae asked jovially. I saw Yoongi elbow him out of the corner of my eye.

A different group was going onto the stage to practice. I watched them move to their spots one by one but the camera was too far away to make out faces.

“Don’t you guys have rehearsal?” I asked, choosing to look at Yoongi. I might cry again if I looked at my boyfriend right now.

Yoongi pointed at the screen. “After this group,” he said. He was one of those people that could read moods and situations flawlessly. He knew me well enough to know something wasn’t right. His expression toward me was full of concern and compassion. Now he was going to make me cry. 

The boys on the monitor began to dance to their music. It took me less than twenty seconds to find Hoseok on stage. I knew how he moved; I had watched him dance for years. Plus, when someone is your other half, you just know them. 

I inhaled sharply and all eyes turned to me. “This group,” I pointed at the screen. “Who is this?”

“Uh,” Taehyung spoke up first. “Monsta X. They just debuted this month.” 

“Monsta X,” I repeated, my eyes glued to my ex.

“They aren’t bad,” Yoongi said after watching them a few minutes.

Jin snapped his fingers. “No Mercy,” he said. “They were put together by that survival show.”

Tae agreed with him, but I couldn’t look away from the TV. How was I going to avoid him now? His debut stage was coinciding with BTS’s comeback stage. He was going to be everywhere I was. I immediately felt ill and my knees suddenly gave out.

Jin had a very close eye on me. He caught me before I feel on my ass and made a fool of myself. He sat me in a nearby chair, where I attempted to smile at him. “I’m okay,”

“You’re sick,” Jin insisted, putting a hand to my completely normal temperature forehead.

“I’m not,” I argued.

“Then what’s wrong?” His face was the definition of worried. He couldn’t perform if he was worried about me. Now was not the right moment to tell him about Hoseok.

So, I lied. “I didn’t eat today. Lack of sleep. I’m not build for comebacks.” 

His face relaxed, but I could see he didn’t one hundred percent believe me. “You get used to them,” he said with a soft smile. Tae handed me a half-eaten granola bar, still warm from his pocket. Yoongi patted my head like I was a puppy. I was very blessed to have such good friends that cared about me.

I chewed on the granola bar, watching Monsta X on the screen over Jin’s shoulder. Unfortunately, I wasn’t going to be able to avoid them. For the first time in over four years, Hoseok and I were going to have to talk.

Chapter 6 ~ love and hate

I was busy the rest of the day and was able to avoid Hoseok without trouble. I felt Jin and Yoongi taking turns watching me, but my ‘incident’ from earlier was never mentioned again. The broadcast went off without a hitch, and we were in the vans and heading home before I could formulate a plan of what to do.

Since we had a five hour time slot in which to sleep, the boys got to go to the dorm rather than staying at the Big Hit building. Jin and Yoongi insisted I stay with them since I might be sick and needed to be taken care of. There were plenty of managers staying as well, so it was agreed to. 

Somehow, however, I wasn’t the one being taken care of. I made a quick dinner and cleaned up their messy living space while they all got ready for bed, which actually meant they were goofing around. I didn’t mind playing ‘house mom’ for them; they were very appreciative, but it gave me too much time to think about Hoseok. I worked myself into another panic by the time everyone was eating dinner. I forced food into my mouth, but the food had no taste. My leg bounced continuously and my eyes couldn’t focus on one thing longer than ten seconds. I know I looked crazy, but I couldn’t stop it. 

Not long after dinner, I was lying in Jin’s bed next to him. Yoongi was sleeping in his bed nearby and Manager Bobby was on the floor right next to the bed. It was all as a precaution, but Jin and I were both too tired to fool around anyway. We laid facing each other, fingers entwined between us. It was dark, but I could see him clearly, my eyes had adjusted to the lack of light. He was staring at me, a mixture of concern and adoration on his face. He was such a good boyfriend and I was being such a crappy girlfriend.

When he was sure the other two were asleep, he spoke softly. “You don’t have to tell me, but you might feel better if you do.” 

I didn’t want to tell him. It wasn’t because I didn’t trust him; it was purely selfish. I didn’t want to rip my wound open. I’d spent years trying to bury and heal from heartbreak. Talking about it would open everything up again; it still hadn’t formed a substantial scar to protect me.

But I owed Jin the truth. It wasn’t fair to keep something this big from him anymore. It was going to affect our everyday lives and if I was going to be his girlfriend, if I loved him, honesty was important. So I took a deep breath and started talking.

I only hit the highlights, but it was still a long, one-sided conversation. It was difficult to look at Jin while trying to describe what an important person Hoseok had been in my life. I had been sure my ex was to be my future, and his absence still left a hole in my heart that I felt every day. These weren’t words current boyfriends wanted to hear.

Jin listened to it all without speaking. His silence led me to say more than I anticipated, admitting to him how confused seeing Hoseok again had made me, how I felt my life that was just starting to fall into place was now falling apart.

When I finally ran out of words, I inhaled but my breath caught in a sob. I felt warmth behind my eyes and I tried to will the tears that threatened away. Jin let go of my hand and brushed my hair behind my ear before tracing the line of my jaw with his finger. His gesture, full of compassion and caring, made the tears spill.

“He was important,” Jin said, his voice steady and calm.

“Was,” I emphasized the past tense.

“But you still love him,” Jin said.

I blinked, my lashes heavy with tears, making it a laborious process; but his words had startled me. “I hate him,” I corrected. 

Jin’s smile in return was faint but apparent. “You can’t have hate without love.” 

I swallowed, unable to accept that I might still love that man that left me alone on a beach four years ago. I didn’t want to love Hoseok. “I love you,” I said, hating how it sounded like I was trying to convince myself as much as him.

“I know,” his smile grew. “I’m not worried. Things will be how they are supposed to be.” 

“You’re not mad?” I asked, sounding small and child-like.

He brushed my hair by my temple with his fingers. “You can’t make me mad. You told me some hard truths. I’m proud of you for telling me.” He pulled my head toward him, kissing my forehead. “I know that wasn’t easy.” 

We shifted in the bed so my back was against his chest, his arm over my waist, and his breath on my neck. I felt physically and emotionally exhausted, drained of life. However, his arms were my refuge and I felt safe there, calm for the first time since I saw Hoseok. I settled into him while he sang nonsense words softly near my ear, making me fall asleep almost immediately, happy in his embrace.

Chapter 7 ~ why are you my clarity

When you bare your soul to someone, there is a closeness you feel afterward that’s hard to describe. Jin and I were already best friends, but I had revealed that inner vulnerable part of me to him, gambling on Jin being trustworthy enough to see it, and protect it. I had laid it all out for him and he knew it and did more than those things; he accepted it.

It made me feel closer to him, like our talk had created a stronger, unspoken, unseen bond between us. He seemed to feel the same way, not threatened by my confession but strengthened. We shared smiles more often, he touched me more frequently, and I found myself wrapped in quite a few more hugs. 

Schedules went fine for a few days; everyone was exhausted but happy with the results. People seemed to really like the new title track and BTS’s fan base was growing. They even won first place quite a few times.

Inevitably, my path crossed with Monsta X’s again. I had decided that I had to talk to Hoseok to get closure. Even though we had separated years ago, it hadn’t been under terms I accepted. If I could have a final conversation, a set in stone ending, I could one hundred percent move on.

I waited, alone, in the hallway all artists had to walk down when exiting the stage. My stomach was somewhere around my ankles as I shifted from foot to foot. I wanted to be happy that my torment was about to be over, but all I could feel was a mix of excitement and terror. I longed to see his face, the face I had missed for the last four years. I was trying hard to find the courage to say what I needed to, steeling myself to try and feel numb instead of the thousand emotions he evoked.

Monsta X came through the door, one at a time, pumped up and excited by their performance they just finished. The first two passed by me with a bow and smile. Then the blond one from the other day stopped in front of me, his face full of recognition.

“Oh!” he pointed at me. “Wonho, it’s that girl.”

Hoseok wasn’t too far behind blondie. He met my eyes and paused in front of me.

“Do you know her?” One of the other members stopped as well.

The blond spoke first. “She does makeup for Bangtan, I saw her earlier today.”

Hoseok hadn’t taken his eyes off mine. I couldn’t stop staring back. The myriad of emotions he made me feel was overwhelming, ranging from hate to anger to sadness to love. I felt the entire gambit. This was going to be more difficult than I anticipated. 

“I know her,” Hoseok said quietly. “You guys go on, I’ll catch up.” 

Blondie and the other lingering member left without a backward glance, still hyped about their performance. Hoseok was still sweaty, in his clothes from the stage. Whoever did his makeup had it right; he looked like perfection. He was still slightly out of breath, his lips parted as he tried to even out his breathing. His eyes were boring into me, making me feel exposed, naked. How did I forget he could read me like a picture book?

“Wonho?” I asked, breaking the silence. I had heard him called that twice now.

“I changed my name when I got to Seoul. Decided to use a stage name,” he explained. 

“What’s wrong with Hoseok?” I was avoiding the subject I really wanted to talk about and he knew it. Still his answer caught me off guard.

“I didn’t want anyone else to call me Hoseok. It only ever sounded right coming from you. It made me-” he cut himself off, finally looking away from me, down the hall. “I just didn’t want other people calling me that,” he finished. Truthful and blunt. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was. He was using a stage name because of me. That meant he thought of me after he left home. Despite breaking my heart, he still had cared. 

I took a deep breath, refusing to let my heart get sappy. It really, really wanted to, making my body ache for the chance to fling myself into his arms and never looked back. My head was yelling reason at me, however, and I was able to, for the moment, listen to it. 

“I wanted to talk to you,” I started, trying to remember my memorized speech. My mind was going blank, especially when he turned back to look at me.

“I’m listening,” he replied quietly.

I exhaled slowly, trying to slow my pounding heart. I rubbed sweaty palms on my jeans before talking again. “We’re in the same circle now, so we’re going to run into each other.” 

He nodded, but didn’t speak so I continued. “I didn’t realize how much you hurt me back then until I saw you the other day-” I paused, realizing my words weren’t accurate. “I mean, I knew I was hurt, devastated by you leaving me. Half my being was torn away, you took it with you when you left. I’ve been working on being a whole person for years now,” I paused to take a breath.

He was now looking at his toes. His ears were tinged pink, with anger or shame I wasn’t sure. I could read his eyes, not his ears. I pushed on, knowing if I stopped now I would never finish. 

“You are my soul mate, Hoseok, the one I am supposed to be with. I knew that six years ago when we first met. There’s a part of me that can only be completed by you. Seeing you again reminded of that. I’ll feel the pain of our separation for the rest of my life.” My hands dropped to my sides, my cheeks suddenly hot, my eyes stinging with unshed tears as my heart cracked a little bit more. 

“Because you chose this,” I continued. “You chose to leave, to be apart four years ago. You decided our future without ever consulting me.”

He said my name, looking up with tears in his own eyes. Part of me wanted to touch his face, wipe his tears away, but i had to keep going. I felt one of my own tears slip down my cheek.

“It took me until this year to move on. I finally found a guy to trust, someone I can depend on. Someone I love.” I shook my head. “This is terrible timing, you showing up now, making my life collapse around me. My world has always revolved around you, even when you were gone. It was finally about me and then you showed up, like…” I thought of a thousand unflattering comparisons, but none that sounded right, so I just shrugged helplessly with an exhausted sigh.

“You broke my heart, Hoseok. You broke me as a person, and I need you to know that. And I also need you to know that I’m ok now.”

“You’re ok,” he repeated when I paused. The air between us changed suddenly. What was sad a moment ago was suddenly chilly. “This whole speech was to tell me you’re ok?”

I crossed my arms, a slight frown on my face. “There’s a ton more I want to say. Four years worth. But in the end, it boils down to this: I’m ok without you.”

“That’s not what it sounded like,” he challenged. 

“What did it sound like?” I asked, confused. He wasn’t supposed to get angry and challenge me, he was supposed to feel bad and leave. This was not going how I had pictured it in my head.

He took a step closer to me, invading my personal space. “It sounds like you’ve missed me and that you think the past four years apart was my mistake.” He put his face two inches from mine, our eyes level, his breath on my lips. “I did make a mistake. I’ve regretted it for the past four years. I can’t even let anyone else call me by my real name. Your memory has haunted me every day. I feel your absence in my heart,” he paused, his eyes dropping to my mouth as he licked his lips. Meeting my eyes again he added, “that’s what it sounded like to me.” 

Time was frozen. I wish I could say that I thought of Jin and pushed Hoseok away immediately, but the closeness of him, his smell, his warmth, his intensity was so familiar that I couldn’t do anything but appreciate him. I wanted him to lean in that last inch so I could taste him again, bite his lip and run my hand through his hair. My body remembered his touch and ached for it; my heart wanted to be whole again.

Then the door slammed open down the hall and people rushed in from the stage. Hoseok immediately took a step back, but it was too late. Half of BTS just saw how close he’d been standing to me.

I was sure my expression was horrified and instinctively I put my hands on Hoseok’s chest to shove him further away. Bangtan had been on a high from their performance; now they were approaching hesitantly. 

Jin stepped forward, toward me, with his eyes on Hoseok. “Is everything okay here?” 

My ex stared down my current boyfriend. Crossing his arms, he replied, “She was just telling me how okay she was, as a matter of fact.” 

Jin’s eyebrows raised, an amused expression that really meant he wasn’t amused at all. “You had to stand that close to hear her say that?”

Hoseok shrugged. “She let me get that close-”

“Stop it,” I spoke up, finally finding my voice. Hoseok would egg Jin on until his breaking point, I knew it. Jin would take a while to get there, he was one of the most patient people I knew, but Hoseok was good at finding and pushing buttons. A fist fight at a music show would do nothing positive for either of their careers. 

I wanted to glare at my Hoseok, but I couldn’t look at him again. Instead, I walked over to Jin and linked my arm through his. “Let’s just go,” I said. Jin was still staring at a confrontational Hoseok, but he nodded. He led me past him, down the hall. I could hear the rest of Bangtan’s footsteps following behind us.

At their area, Jin sat me in a chair, placing his hands on my shoulders and leaning into me. “Not now, but after this is over, you’ll explain to me what that was all about, right?”

I nodded quickly. “It was nothing, don’t worry.”

He smoothed a strand of my hair behind my ear and smiled. “I’m not worried about that,” he said. “I’m worried about you.” 

Unable to stop myself, I leaned forward and kissed the tip of his nose. “Stop worrying about me. I’m okay.”

He grinned and nodded, but the concern never left his eyes. Still, he backed away and went to get ready for the final stage with the rest of the members, leaving me alone in the cubicle.

I hadn’t had time to process my conversation with Hoseok. I replayed it in my mind, trying not to relive the emotions. I thought about his words and their implications. Was he trying to tell me he still loved me? Was he playing with my feelings, or did he truly mean those words? And why did it matter so much to me?

My intent had been to tell him I was over it, I had moved on, and we should just ignore each other from now on. Somehow, none of that came out, at least not in the way I intended. Now, instead of closure, I felt lost, confused, and more upset than before.

I knew where my brain stood on the situation. The question was, where did my heart want me to go?

Chapter 8 ~ a whole heart

Things were fine for a few days, almost normal. I explained my conversation with Hoseok to Jin, who seemed more sad than anything about it. I tried extra hard to keep him from worrying over me the next few days. We didn’t have time to talk much as first place wins and promotions ate up most of BTS’s time. With a little luck, I was also able to avoid Monsta X for the most part.

In the middle of all this, Yoongi found the time time to give me production lessons. I was now working on my own song, which meant even less sleep for me. By the time promotions ended, I was completely exhausted.

Jin surprised me with a two day vacation. He only had four days off, but two of them he took me to his friend’s place at Jeju. We spent 48 hours together, never apart, soaking up the sun, fresh air, and each other. Standing on the beach, watching the sunset, I clung to him tightly, hugging him, wrapped in his arms. If I could melt into him, never to be separated, I would gladly do it. I was blessed to have him in my life. 

The ocean waves and changing colors of the sky brought back unwanted memories of Hoseok. I buried my head deeper into Jin’s chest, willing away the unwanted thoughts. I just wanted to focus on my boyfriend, my future. Why did my damn past have to keep ruining things?

Jin kissed the top of my head then pulled me back so he could look at me. “I love you, no matter what. You know that, don’t you?” 

“Of course,” I nodded. “I love you, too.” I stared into his eyes, willing him to believe me. It was the truth; what I felt for him could only be described as love. Yet, despite that, despite the wonderful vacation we had together in our own little bubble, I still felt incomplete. I didn’t want to feel that way, but I had zero control over my emotions. But, I did have control over my actions.

Jin was still holding me by the shoulders, studying my face. “I just want you to be happy,” he said softly. “Your smile is the sunshine in my world.” 

I smiled then and collapsed into his chest again, slightly embarrassed but pleased with his confession. “You make me happy,” I insisted. 

He didn’t reply; he stroked my hair and rubbed my back in soothing circles. The sun was gone now and the ocean air had a nip to it. He wrapped his coat around me and we stood there, in a warm cocoon, like we were the only two people on Earth. In that moment, I wished we were.

~ * ~ * ~

My first night back, alone in my apartment, I dreamed of Hoseok. We were back in our hometown. I was avoiding my house because of my father and Hoseok was trying his best to make me laugh. That had been one of his specialties, his ability to always make me smile.

In this dream, however, I was crying. Everything he did made me more upset. The goofier he was, the harder I cried. He finally took my hand and hugged me. I woke up with my cheeks still wet from real tears and an ache in my chest where my heart hurt. I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t Hoseok and I didn’t miss him. I wasn’t very convincing. 

After a glass of water I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was racing. My cell phone lit up on the nightstand and I automatically grabbed it. It was a text from an unknown number. 

This is Hoseok. Can we talk?

Putting aside the question of how he obtained my number for now, what could he possibly want to talk about at 3am. 

I typed out my response. Right now?

Oh! You’re awake? It can wait until morning.

I sighed, hesitating before typing back. I’m up now. Do you want to call?

There was a pause on his end, like he was thinking about his response. Finally, his message came through. Face to face.

“Ugh.” The noise escaped me before I could stop it. Everything about that sounded like a bad idea. Still, I found my fingers typing, OK. Where?

He sent an address, which I stared at for five minutes while debating on whether or not I should go. In the end, I decided it would be cruel to stand him up, so I got dressed quickly and left.

We were meeting at a greasy, twenty-four hour food place that was nearby. The streets were deserted at this hour. It was a quiet walk, plenty of time for me to berate myself up for making this poor choice.

I was surprised that he beat me there. I sat across from him, watching his face carefully. He seemed sad, tired, and honestly pitiful. I took a deep breath to steel my heart, but I was already feeling sympathy. 

We ordered very little, then we were left alone to stare at each other. It was only a minute or two, but it felt like eternity. He finally broke the silence with a formal apology.

“For what?” I asked.

His fingers traced invisible patterns on the table. “For a lot of things,” he started. “But our last meeting has been weighing heavy in my mind.” He looked down at the table. “I was a jerk, I said things I shouldn’t have, and for that I’m sorry.”

I blinked a few times, trying to process his words. Apologies had never been Hoseok’s strong suit. He must have felt really bad to be saying this. He didn’t give me a chance to respond, however. 

“But I’ve been a jerk for much longer than that. I’ve been selfish, chasing after a dream, and not thinking about consequences. That night on the beach, I think about it every day. I was young. Stupid. And I’ve been full of regret.”

He took a breath as our food arrived. Neither of us made a move to start eating. My stomach was roiling, my feelings on an emotional rollercoaster. It was amazing that despite the fact I hated him for what he did, I still felt more whole with him next to me than I had in four years.

He started talking again; I couldn’t take my eyes off his lips. “It was easy to ignore how bad I felt. I pushed it down, changed my name, and focused on being successful. All my time was spent practicing, working out, performing, or sleeping. It didn’t give me time to think about you, I didn’t let there be time. That’s how I’ve dealt with it, with my regret.”

He picked up chopsticks and pushed food around his bowl. He finally met my eyes. I was captivated by him; his eyes, his lips, his words held my full attention.

“Then I saw you. You said my name, my real name. I saw your face.” He inhaled deeply. “And everything I suppressed for years came flooding out. All the walls I had built, crumbled.” He started to lift his hand toward me, like he wanted to touch me. Instead, he pulled his hand to his heart. “Leaving you was the dumbest thing I’d ever done, or will ever do. If you are happy now, that’s all I want. If you can tell me that you don’t care about me, that I didn’t destroy you, that I mean nothing to you any more, then I’ll be happy. I’ll never bother you again, and we can just ignore each other from now on.”

That was exactly what I thought i wanted. He was giving me an out. I could lie and stop him right there, agree with his words, and be done. Live happily ever after with Jin who adored me and who I loved dearly.

However, I knew he had a ‘but’ coming and my soul wanted to hear it. I could tell that his admissions so far were sincere and his personal torture was the tip of an iceberg that could possibly lead to forgiveness.

“But,” he started, reaching across the table and taking my hand. “If you feel this thing like I do, like being apart is tearing at you, and being together is the only thing that makes any sense, feels right, then tell me that. If you still have a feeling left for me, a smidge of something, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. If you think you can forgive me, then let's try to make it work. I will do anything to make you happy.”

I could feel my eyes widening, not expecting such an exact confession. I had expected him to ask for forgiveness, but to ask to start over, to get back in a relationship, that was a shock to the system.

I hated myself for my first instinct. My heart yelled YES so loudly I was sure he could hear it. That I could forgive him so fast made me feel cheap, like a bad person.

He squeezed my hand and I felt my ring tighten around my finger. My couple ring with Jin, with my boyfriend, with the one person who had never hurt me. How could I think about leaving him for the man that tore my heart out and stomped on it all those years ago? 

Because he was right. Hoseok was my soulmate, for better or worse, my other half. I could be happy with Jin but I would always have Hoseok in my heart, whether I wanted him there or not.

But maybe I could live with that. Just because he wasn’t my soulmate it didn’t mean I wouldn’t love Jin. It didn’t mean I wouldn’t have a good life with him. I didn’t have to choose Hoseok just because my heart was an idiot.

I dragged my hand from his, turning the ring around my finger with my thumb. This was not something I could immediately decide. I had to think about this, think about what I wanted. What would be fair? Whose heart was I willing to crush? 

“Are you going to say anything?” he asked me. His eyes were pleading as he chewed on his bottom lip. 

“Four years,” I said. “We’re different people now.” 

He tilted his head. “The two of us sitting here feels complete. Even after all those years, you’re the only one who feels right. I can’t deny that. Can you?”

Damn him. He was right. “It doesn’t mean it’s what I want. I’m happy with my boyfriend,” I replied, holding up my hand with the ring. 

He nodded, not looking at my hand, but keeping his eyes on mine. “So you’re choosing him.”

I closed my eyes. “No, I’m not saying that…” 

“Then what are you-”

“I don’t know!” I cut him off, sitting forward. My voice was loud enough to draw the attention of the one other patron in the place, so I lowered my voice. “I don’t know what I want. You come into my life and confused it. I hate you and at the same time I don’t know if I can live without you. So,” I took a deep breath. “You’re going to have to wait.”

He pressed his lips together, a sure sign he was irritated. “I’m not very patient.”

“I know,” I frowned at him. “But we’ve been apart for years. A few days for me to figure it out isn’t going to kill you.” 

“It might,” he sighed. “Four wasted years. I just want to kiss you so bad…” he paused.

“Or forget me,” I finished for him. If I said no he was going to have to leave me behind, just I like would have to forget about him. If i said yes…

“I’ll walk you home,” he said, throwing down money for the uneaten meal.

“I’ll be okay,” I wasn’t sure if that was a good idea.

He looked at me as though I were a dumb four-year-old. “I’m not letting you walk home alone at this hour.”

“Fine.” It was useless to argue with him.

“Fine,” he repeated, standing and heading out the door. 

The walk home was slow, silent. I had a lot to think about and he was letting me do it. When we reached the apartment, we stopped in front and I was reminded of Jin and I’s first date. This is where Jin and I started, where he confessed to me. Now I was standing here with Hoseok and seriously debating on breaking up with Jin. The world had a weird sense of humor sometimes. 

Hoseok looked like he had something to say, but in the end, all that came out of his mouth was, “Goodnight.” 

“Night,” I said, resisting the urge to touch him in some fashion. I went into the building, forcing myself to not turn around and watch him walk away. Inside my apartment, I closed the door, slumping against it and slid down to the floor. Hugging my knees in tight, I bumped my forehead against them a few times, upset with myself.

This shouldn’t be a hard decision. Jin was the logical choice, the obvious one I should be with. Why was I even considering Hoseok right now? He had been a jerk, he had even said so himself.

Because the heart wants what it wants. Emotions and feelings, completeness and wholeness. I didn’t want those things to be important, but they were. So the question was, did I go with the sure bet, the one that was the safe and reasonable choice? Or did I gamble and go with the wild card, the one that I would never be able to predict, but that would complete my heart?

Chapter 9 ~ promises

I might have had two hours of sleep, but I wouldn’t call it restful. I tossed and turned, my mind never quiet. Pros and cons on both sides of the argument raced through my head, then repeated themselves. It was torture because my mind still couldn’t make a rational decision. At dawn I gave up and rolled out of bed to take a shower and face the day.

Though we still had one more day off, I headed into Big Hit. My song was nearly complete and I thought that focusing on work would distract me from my worries for a few hours. 

I was only mildly surprised to find Yoongi in the production room. If there had been space for a cot in there, he would probably just live in that room. He was bundled in a jacket, a beanie hat on his head, and headphones over his ears. He gave me a quick smile when I came in before clicking some buttons and removing the headphones.

“Hey,” he greeted me as I slid into the chair next to him. I was glad I still had my jacket and scarf on. Despite being summer, this room was always freezing. “How were your days off?”

I was emotionally exhausted to the point that I didn’t even feel like I could smile, but I forced the corners of my lips up. “They were good, especially the days with Jin,” I replied. “Did you take any time off?” I asked, motioning to the stuff around the room.

“I slept for like a day, but I’ve mostly been here,” Yoongi pointed at the chair he was sitting in.

We made small talk for another few minutes. I felt like he knew something about my vacation that he wasn’t supposed to, like my meeting with Hoseok last night. There was no way he could; I think my paranoid mind was just feeling guilty. 

Finally, there was a pause in the conversation. Yoongi studied my face intently, searching for something. I eventually had to ask him what he was doing. 

“I have news for you,” he replied. “I just haven’t been sure when to bring it up.” 

“Well, now you have to tell me,” I said. “It’s not bad news, is it?”

“No,” Yoongi shook his head, pushing his lips out in a cute frown. “But you’ll have to make a decision.” 

The groan was out before I could stop it. Another decision. I was already tired of them. Why wasn’t there a magic fairy that could make all my decisions for me...she could also suffer the consequences for me as well.

“Usually people like to have choices,” Yoongi gave me a guarded look.

I sighed with a half smile. “Choice can be exhausting,” I said.

Yoongi nodded, conceding my point. “I presented your song to the CEO,” he started.

My jaw dropped in disbelief. “It’s not ready!”

“It’s ready enough,” Yoongi replied, waving off my protest.

I chewed on my bottom lip, suddenly nervous and very self conscious. “What did he say?” I asked curiously.

Yoongi waved his other hand at me as though the CEO’s thoughts were unimportant. “He liked it. He said you have talent, which we already knew.” He shrugged. “That’s only part of the news.” 

“There’s more?”

“I also shopped the song around, sending it to a couple different companies,” Yoongi was tapping a pencil on the arm of his chair, his eyes never leaving mine.

“You did what?” I exclaimed, leaning forward and slapping his arm. “That song isn’t ready!”

“I’m telling you, it's ready enough. You got good responses, stop worrying. The best offer came from JYP. They offered to hire you on as an entry level production assistant. You’d start at the bottom, but they’re a fair company. Work hard and you’ll be producing your own songs in no time.” He sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, a satisfied smile on his face.

I frowned. It was a lot to take in all at once. JYP was one of the big three; an entry level job at that company could mean huge things for my career. But it wasn’t where my friends were. “What about Big Hit?” I asked, my voice small.

Yoongi leaned forward and rested his forearms on his knees. “You could stay here. Things wouldn’t change much. You’d still have duel jobs not a full time producing job, but you would be close to all your friends.” 

“I’m sensing a ‘but’ here-”

“But,” Yoongi cut me off, pointing a finger at me. “You’ll be working at the same place as your boyfriend. It’s fine now, but things could get complicated. JYP would offer you more for your career and freedom from tangling your job and personal life together.”

I looked at Yoongi, seriously studying his face, wondering if he knew about the other decision I was trying to make. He had no reason to know, but I felt like he did. Either way, he was right. Working for JYP would distance me from both Jin and Hoseok professionally, something that would only be a benefit for me. Not to mention, it was the smartest career move I could make at the moment, if I was to think about things logically instead of emotionally.

I still felt indecision pawing at my brain. “What would you do?” I asked him.

He sat back again, giving me a look that could only be described as sympathetic. “JYP without a second thought.” He paused before adding, “Career wise, it’s the smartest choice.” 

I nodded, reluctantly agreeing. It would make the most sense. 

“And, I would be honest to the people I love,” Yoongi added out of the blue.

My eyes widened as I looked at him. “What?”

He leaned forward again and rested a warm hand on my knee. “We’re friends. I can tell when something’s on your mind. And despite evidence to the contrary, I am smart.” He looked at me earnestly. “You just need to be honest and it will all work out. Promise.” 

I didn’t know what to say. I stared at his hand on my leg, blinking back tears that threatened from nowhere. If Yoongi could read me this well, I had no chance against Jin. He would know my heart before I could say a word.

“It will be difficult,” I said before pressing my lips into a thin line, looking back up at my friend.

“The right thing usually is,” Yoongi patted me twice before removing his hand. “But in the end, it's best for everyone.” 

I nodded, feeling a bit hollow inside. I sniffed away the tears, rubbing a hand on my nose that was cold from the low room temperature. “How’d you get so wise?” I asked him, smiling crookedly.

Yoongi shrugged. “I was born that way.”

~ * ~ * ~

I couldn’t create anything but tears after the conversation with Yoongi, so I went home. Now I had to not only decide if I was breaking up with Jin, but if I was going to leave Big Hit. These were two heavy decisions, things I should contemplate for days.

But my instinct knew which choices to make. I tried to debate in my head, but my heart won every argument. I knew what I had to do; Yoongi was right. Be truthful. Honestly would hurt in the short run, but it was better than deceit and long-term lies. That wouldn’t make anyone happy. 

Jin arrived later that evening with no chaperone. I hadn’t called him but he somehow knew to be there. Seeing his face, my resolve wavered, my decision suddenly not so clear. I was in love with those eyes, his smile, that adorable nose scrunch he did when he laughed, his kind soul. He was always protecting me from something and this time he would want to protect me from myself. 

We sat on the couch, facing each other, but not touching. He was looking at me; I was staring at his arm. I couldn’t bring myself to meet those beautiful eyes. My heart ached and my stomach churned relentlessly. 

“Yoongi said I should visit you,” Jin started. “He said you had news.”

Damn Yoongi, I thought. He was forcing the situation. While it was probably right to do so, it didn’t mean I had to like it. 

“Yep, news,” I said, trying to sound cheery. “I spoke with a rep from JYPE earlier today. They want to hire me for their music production team.” I forced myself to look at his face.

I wasn’t sure how he was going to take the news. His eyes grew wide and he smiled. “That’s amazing!” he said, genuinely meaning it. “That’s your dream, producing.” 

I nodded with a faint smile. “Yes, but I won’t be at Big Hit anymore.”

His face fell a tiny bit, but he was still smiling. “I know. I think the place will still run without you,” he said. “Maybe not as well, but we’ll manage.”

I chewed on my bottom lip, watching him carefully. I had grown accustomed to reading his expressions, but tonight he had on a perfect poker face. His tone had a sad hint behind it, but I could be imagining that. 

He said my name and took my hands in his. He rubbed circles with his thumbs, twisting my ring on my finger. “You’re going to leave then?” he asked softly. We were still talking about work, but I understood the double meaning behind his words. 

“I’ve talked with both companies. I start at JYP on Monday,” I whispered. 

He nodded. He still had that half smile on his face. “I meant what I said before. I just want you to be happy.” He paused, looking down at our hands. “Even if it's not with me.” 

My heart shattered at his words, the world tilting off kilter. I squeezed his hands tighter to keep from falling over. He knew what was coming, he knew what was going on. Ever my protector, he was going to make it easy for me. 

I felt a single hot tear slip down my face. “I love you,” I said softly, the words barely audible. 

“I know,” he replied, just as quiet.

“I’m sorry,” my voice broke on the words.

“I know,” he repeated, pulling me in so my head was resting on his chest. He stroked my hair, letting me cry into his shirt. He should have been mad, angry, furious, but instead he was comforting me, hugging me. “I’ll miss you,” he said, his breath tickling the top of my head.

I looked up into his face, frowning at the tears in his eyes. I wanted to reach up and wipe them away, but I had just lost the privilege of touching his face. I couldn’t think of anything to say, but words spilled out without thought. “He completes me, I’m sorry but he’s the one, he’s always been-”

He leaned down and kissed me on the lips, effectively cutting off my rambling. It was a sweet kiss, not passionate, but just right for closure. He pulled back, looked at me straight on, and whispered, “I know.” 

Jin stood up then, and headed toward the door. I trailed behind, thinking about how weird this all was. He wasn’t storming out, he wasn’t mad; he was just leaving. When he reached the door, he turned around one last time. 

I held out my hand to him, handing him his ring. He took it, removed his own, then squeezed them together in his fist. There weren’t words for either of us to say any more. We looked at each other with heavy hearts. And then he was gone.

~ * ~ * ~

It was the next day when I received a text from Hoseok. The words were simple; a greeting and a question about how I was doing. Still, I stared at the phone a lot longer than I intended, wondering how to respond. I needed to talk to him, but it felt too soon. Really, I was scared.

I did finally respond, asking him to come over. He replied with a be there soon. That left me with time to think...and worry. 

Jin had been so sweet about everything. Was I making a mistake? My heart sped up at the thought of seeing Hoseok, but was it from excitement or anxiety? My life was changing rapidly, from work to my boyfriend, everything big was now different. I started to feel the bitter taste of panic rising in the back of my throat. 

Somehow, that was the moment Hoseok arrived. As soon as I opened the door and saw his face, I knew I had made the right choice. For better or worse, he was my other half. 

He came in and we sat on my couch, the same spot I had been in with Jin not twenty-four hours ago. I felt nervous, similar to yesterday, but at the same time elated. Jin had made me happy, but I had realized staying with him would have been unfair. Jin would never have my whole heart and he deserved someone who would love him one hundred percent. That wasn’t me. 

Hoseok and I stared at each other for a few moments. He was wearing ripped up jeans and a lightweight, grey sweater. I was having a hard time regulating my breathing with him so close. We had been physically close before this moment recently, but this time was different. He made me feel hot and cold at the same time, numb then painful, on a high then crashing and burning. Just seeing his face threw the world off its axis.

I felt bad; it was only a day since Jin and I had separated and I was anticipating being with Hoseok already. Yet Hoseok and I had a history; it wasn’t as though we had just met for the first time. My heart had been yearning for him since we crashed into each other in the hallway weeks ago, even though I had been trying to deny it. He made me weak, in every possible good and bad way.

He broke the silence. “Is everything okay?”

I nodded quickly. “Yes, I got a new job.” I spent five minutes explaining my career change to him, words I knew he did not want to hear, but giving myself time to calm down before getting to the main topic.

He licked his lips before replying, drawing my eyes to his mouth. “That’s great. That’s what you always wanted.” I could tell he was disappointed in my news. His impatience wanted an answer from me, but his kind soul was trying to be supportive no matter what. I read his expression before he spoke again, so I knew impatience was winning out. “Is that all?” 

I took a deep breath. As I exhaled, I whispered, “No.” 

His eyes lit up and he sat up a little straighter. He had sweater paws tangling in his lap, a sure sign that he was excited about something. One corner of his lip lifted into an almost-grin before he replied with a quiet, “Oh?”

I bit my bottom lip, trying to come up with the best way to tell him. My heart was racing with an illogical fear of rejection; I suddenly felt hot and sweaty. Rubbing my palms on my couch, I recalled Yoongi’s words. Honesty.

“I broke up with Jin,” I said before I could lose my nerve.

He blinked once, processing my words. As they started to make sense in his head, his eyes widened with realization. “Oh?” he repeated in an effort to sound nonchalant.

“It wasn’t fair to him,” I continued, looking at his shoulder. If I looked at his face I was pretty sure I’d lose the ability to form coherent words. “My heart doesn't belong to him, and I don’t think it could belong to anyone else...but...you…”

Hoseok reached a sweater paw up and tilted my chin so I was looking at him. “I know exactly what you mean,” he said. It was amazing how he could express sympathy and happiness with one look; I could feel both emotions from him when I met his eyes. “I’m sorry you had to leave him.” His words were genuine. He was smiling a second later. “But not too sorry.”

Of course not. I knocked his hand away gently with a roll of my eyes but he didn’t give me a chance to say anything. He scooted closer, one hand free of his sweater, running along my collarbone to the back of my neck. His fingers curled in my hair, his thumb rubbing the sensitive skin near the curve of my neck.

There were no words, just his lips crashing against mine, a desperate need emanating from his every movement. I remembered his taste, so familiar, like a drug that left me woozy and speechless. Despite four years apart, our bodies had memories of one another; we completed each other and we knew how we fit together. All thoughts left my mind, there was just the two of us, both riding the euphoric high of each other’s touch.

He was the one that pulled back, one hand still on my neck, the other on my back, under my shirt, leaving traces of fire where his fingers touched. At some point I had grabbed his shirt because I found my hands in fists, holding onto him like it was life or death. I had forgotten just how close to dying his lips always brought me. No matter where he touched me, hands, cheeks, lips...I was always surprised when I didn’t combust into flames.

He apologized softly, resting his forehead against mine. “I’ve been thinking about doing that since I saw you,” he added, his breath warm against my mouth.

I had spent years repressing memories of him. As they were all unlocked one by one by his closeness, I realized why I had hid them away. Everything we had done, everything we had been, when we were together it was always good. Magical. How he could have walked away four years ago, I would never understand.

“You made a promise to me,” I reminded him. His face was so close to mine that my lips touched his as I spoke. I felt, rather than saw, his grin.

He laid down on the couch, on his back, pulling me with him. I was half on hop of him, my head resting comfortably on his chest. It was reassuring to hear the steady beat of his heart, smell his clean, familiar scent. My hand traced sweet words on his chest, over his heart.

“The rest of my life,” he recalled. “I promise,” he repeated, kissing the top of my head. He ran his fingers through my hair, down my arm, up my back, sending little chills up my spine.

It’s difficult to describe the completeness I felt. It was the same as when we met six years ago. I had only been part of a person, a human with a huge, hollow hole inside me. With Hoseok, everything was just right, whole, complete. It’s something you don’t realize until it's not there anymore. For most people, by the time they figure it out, it’s too late. It’s gone.

Somehow, the two of us were getting a second chance. It hadn’t been easy and a lot of people might have thought my choices were mistakes. But when I looked up at Hoseok, when he kissed me with all his passion, his love, his heart, I knew I was right. He would always be a piece of my soul that I needed. He was my clarity.


End file.
